Look Who Got Dressed In The Dark

For Miss Lini's Birthday

iToday is Miss Lini's birthday. She's really, really old. An old maid even. Way older than me. Older than our Grandma Julie even. I know, shocking, right?

But true.

And because I am such a good older younger sister I've found some of her favorite things for her.

First, a guy with really icky toes; I mean COME ON. The ripped jeans are bad enough, the run down Birk's about throw it over the edge but the clear failure to use a pair of toe nail clippers anytime since 1997 is just too much. It's just....icky.

It's even worse when you see BOTH of his feet are that way. Look - I just threw up a little in my mouth.

Good thing there are fabulous people out there. People so, shall we say groomed? that they are an inspiration to us all. People like this guy -   Note the fabulous pose! The tight jeans! The hair! Oh lordy the hair with it's pretty pink glitter butterfly clip! (Trust me, it's there) It's people like this fine, masculine creature that I give to you, my lovely (not as lovely as me) sister on this, the anniversary of your birth.

You're welcome.

A Mutha Effin P-I-M-P is not a fashion "Do"

You know what I used to believe, a long time ago? When I was hopeful and innocent? I used to believe that men were mainly immune to many of the fashion disasters that will land you here, in Study Hall, where you are force fed a diet of Lagerfeld and forced to watch "What Not to Wear" (the British original, of course) until you agreed to no longer offend.

But, then, oh one fateful day, I saw this;

 

And, as you can see, it was enough to make a young girl cry. Or start a web site, which incidentally is why the Academy went web-wide. Because this guy? He's were manpris, shiny white loafers and a rhinestones belt that said "PIMP". Now, it may just be me, but his street cred? Zip. When you're trying do dress like a PIMP you should always ask yourself, "WW5CD"? (That's "What Would 50 Cent Do?") I think we can all safely believe that white loafers is not it.

I consoled myself, however, by believing this poor misguided soul was alone in this fashion "trend". But was he? Of course not. Which is why I drink vodka straight at 9am.  Look for yourself.

See? Even his girlfriend is horrified by them. And his clown pants. You know what? I may actually hate the clown pants more.  Why must his pants be so big? What is he hiding in there? Midgets? NAKED midgets? Naked midgets with fangs who may, at any moment, if given the command, spring forth and attack those who aren't wearing freakishly gigantic pants?

Luckily, this guy

and this guy

are safe.   Do you suppose the weird marking on the ass of their pants are some sort of communication to the naked, fanged midgets?

Personally, my ass is mostly non-communicative. I like it that way. Having survived the "Juicy" years when it seemed like every other girl you saw had a big ol' proclamation right across her heiney, I have often felt that ass communication was an under utilized billboard. As such I present you with these;

http://www.cafepress.com/cp/prod.aspx?p=pbfa.165610874

Classy, right? I know.

Axl Rose Called, He Said He Wants His Look Back

I don't even know where to start. Look for yourselves.

See what I mean? Over-grown 80's bleached out hair, mandals WITH VELCRO, bad posture, Top Gun mirrored glasses (in his mouth - SEXY) it's almost enough to make me cry. Even his friend (of whom you can only glimpse one butt-cheek and offensive mandal) is a no-no. 

As I stood there, mouth open, stammering in shock, he turned toward me and it got oh-so-much worse. For real. Look.

Oh yes. He did go there. ALL THE WAY THERE.

What, pray tell, does he smoke to be able to look at that sunken, patchy haired chest, beer belly and chicken legs and think; "HELL YES! I am SO going to get a Victoria's Secret model with this! And Slash? You can suck my balls, you mop-headed freak! I can scream AND rock velcro'd shoes! Can you? I thought not! BECAUSE THE 80's WILL NEVER DIE. NEVER!".

I bet this lady knows what he's smoking

and I bet she's hiding it in her freakishly tiny (and not pictured) leather backpack to keep it from the Pigs. Because nothing can harsh a buzz like getting 86'd.

~ Kiki

Good Feet, Bad Feet

Oh, boys.

I know we haven't talked yet about the disaster that are "mandals", but that's because I *thought* it was obvious. I *thought* I had made my position quite clear on those who expose ugly, unmaintained feet.

I mean really; there is a reason that mandals only come in styles that can be worn in the shower. That reason is because YOU ARE NOT SUPPOSED TO WEAR THEM OUT OF YOUR HOUSE.

Then, to make matters even more dire, someone invented that style abomination know as Crocs. And sold them to people. Poor, unsuspecting, stylistically challenged people. People who shouldn't be allowed to dress themselves in anything more daring than khaki's and collared shirts. People like accountants. And men.

Observe,

On the left, we have an older gentleman in his version of "weekend" attire. Starched, ironed, stone washed jeans that are a few inches too short and paired with white sport socks and those godforsaken clogs (not Croc's, but not much better!) and on the right we have his son wearing shoes designed for the dual purpose of river rafting and making me vomit a little in my mouth. Sonny Boy has the requist pale white legs an actuary and the hairy feet that belies his descent from Hobbits.  Why couldn't they wear tennis shoes? Like boat shoes? That would have been fine. You can even skip the sock with those, you daring young rake! What young lady can help swoon at the sight of a middle aged man with a terminal case of dicky-do sauntering around in a pair of  pleated demin shorts, a pink polo shirt and boat shoes? Not this young lass, that's for darn sure! But the badly shod? Walk on, you offender of the eyes, walk on.

Now, I must make a side note here and say that as I composed this I came across a man in mandals that actually did not offend. I know, my chickens, I'm as shocked as you. But look;

See how if you just take a moment you can find shoes that are functional and yet not offensive to the eye? Shoes that both breathe and cover your hairy monkey toes? Shoes that say "I may be a manager, but dammit, I'm sporty!" with out saying "My wife is at her sister's this week and I dressed myself because I'm a Big Boy!"?

Wrongness Maximus

   

Oh, the wrongness. The shiny, golden, fake jeweled wrongess that is this woman's zipper back calf high too small sandals. I don't think we need to go over why these are so wrong, but just in case you're sitting at home thinking, "Those would look SO CUTE with my black leggings and sequined racer back tee with gold Cleopatra collar and chain belt" let me just assure you, you would be wrong. Class Dismissed.

Harpie Claws Are Always A Don't

   

Is there anything worse than a pretty girl in cute shoes that don't fit? And who hasn't had a pedicure since back when we all thought Rosie and Ellen were just, um, manly?